**First and foremost I wish to say that I do not desire to form a weapon (cause hurt or pain) against those involved in my testimony. Meaning I don't want to create a battle and don't desire to inflict hardships with anyone. Especially my mother and father; I do not see it fit or beneficial in any manner to dishonor their names. This is not my intent for sharing, but rather to give the facts as I recall them so that others who may have (or currently be facing) similar stories might be drawn to seek Christ the way I was drawn and restored by His loving grace and unconditional love.My Testimony
My testimony is not easy to write however I can not allow this to stop me from sharing my journey with the end resulting in my love and secured salvation through Jesus.
There's really no real place to start; so I'll just....start...shall we?
Short version:I was raised first by a very Catholic, alcoholic and abusive father, then later raised by my lesbian, atheist mother (after she got custody of me) who had real mental issues. Combined by the rearing of both parents and the contradictions they lived by I decided not to believe in any God or Power whatsoever. I was an atheist, who mocked, made fun of and had no feelings for God, except disbelief in Him, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I was a hard core atheist later turned Servant for Christ. (Similar to Paul in the Bible) Praise Jesus for everything He has brought me through and reversing all the damaging influence I had received through my parents and others for many, many years before finally submitting to Christ and finding my Salvation in Him. For years (because of what I went through) after I was saved this was my favorite Scripture: "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me." Psalm 27:10
Now for the very long and detailed version....My first name is Sarah and my middle name Cecilia. I was born the youngest of 4, 2 older sisters and 1 older brother. My brother later died at the young age of 28 when he was accidentally electrocuted. You can read up on that post here if you'd like: John.
Growing up in my upraising was not fun, but instead filled with fear, intimidation, physical abuse, mental abuse, confusion, and hatred.
My father, who lived in Texas, had custody of us first, (my parents were already divorced by the time I was 3 mo. old). He was a heavy alcoholic whose drinking turned into fearful days and/or nights of heavy violence, abusive beatings, and major tempers. I lived under his fear and intimidation for years. We all did.
My mother had visitation with us but underwent a depressive state of mind; sleeping during the day and being angry when one of us would make the slightest sound of possibly awakening her. When all four of us (myself and 3 siblings) were very little (I was maybe 5 or 6)and would visit her, she would get so angry about my brother and sisters making noise that often we never left our bedroom. Instead if we had to use the restroom we would often pee in the closet so we wouldn't anger her by the noise we'd cause if we had walked out of the bedroom to use the restroom. When I was approx. 10 years old. my lesbian mother (who lived in Cal.) gained full custody of the two youngest of us; myself and older sister. Living with my mother was in some ways worse and more damaging than living with my father. I haven't decided on that yet....it's a hard call. My father was often abusive and scary, but my mother was depressed, paranoid, and suffered major mental issues. Though she didn't lay a hand on my sister and I, she hurt us and cut us deeply through emotional manipulation. For example; (and this is a real example) if myself or sister did something (even under teenage years) that she disapproved or disagreed with; she took it personally as if we were doing something 'to' her...hard to explain. She would punish us mentally by literally ignoring us for days, sometimes weeks at a time, even if we begged to have her talk she would not. Imagine how hard this was for us, being 11 or 12 yrs. of age, not having your mother speak a single word to you for weeks because you did something so innocent as stating your feelings about not desiring to attend the Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade. So naturally we had to learn what to say and what not to say, when to talk and when to be quiet, trying to discern what might put her in one of her 'moods'. It was very difficult.
My mother showed different personalities and was extremely paranoid over various things. She was mentally abusive to us by disowning us multiple time and then coming back to us as if everything was fine the entire time, never allowing us to express our frustration over her routine of rejection and CONditional love/care. We were never allowed to express freely our own feelings without having her later come back and taunt us over what we shared. We never knew what would 'set her off' in one of those behaviors to reject us; there was never a set rhyme or reason to this; it was 1oo% unpredictable. Later, as she aged, my mom showed signs of other mental disturbances; major (worse) depression by sleeping many hours a day, split/multiple personalities with showing one side of herself to us but within hours she was somebody completely different. My mother also took us to palm readers, mediators, gay/lesbian group meetings, Unitarian churches, churches of science, psychics, etc. My mom lived a victim life, always looking in the rear view mirror or her pain and rehearsing it; never going past those years. She also victimized herself by blaming everyone else for her problems, never accepting or admitting that she was also at fault for some of the pains and hurts she caused. We grew up adopting her way of thinking that men were controlling and to be feared. We also grew up without God or Jesus in our lives while living under her roof. In time, because my mother was atheist, my sister and I were also atheist. As young children we quickly became influenced into her way of thinking. We disowned any belief in Christ and God, often mimicking and making fun of others who we felt were brainwashed to believe in something you simply could not see. Or why believe in someone/something who simply would make life hard on others. It's the typical non-Christian comment: 'If there's a God, why would he allow this or that bad thing to occur?' That was me many years ago.... Click here to read 'Why would God Allow Bad Things To Happen?'.
It took me years to settle that being a child and growing up the way I did had nothing to do with me. None of it was mine or my siblings fault.
I do believe my mother loved us and still does, but she is very unstable and has had her own childhood problems that worked it's way into her adult world, preventing her to be a healthy minded individual, let alone a healthy and positive role model for us as our mother. To this day she continues to deny/disown myself and siblings any of her love, support or even existence.
My mothers rejections of love towards me has hurt me on many different levels. She has never met my husband or either of my two children. I was once extremely (or thought I was) close to my mother and she has hurt me repeatedly by playing hurtful games of giving her love and taking it back for no reason whatsoever. She has done this to me, my siblings, her siblings, even my brother she never spoke to for 9 yrs. before he was killed. She was rejected by her father, who (from what I was told) was very close to until he disapproved of her marrying my dad. At which point he stopped speaking to my mother. Personally knowing all of this has made me understand the term 'generational curses'; bad or unfortunate habits repeating itself over and over to the next family generation until someone seeks Christ to fight and break the damage by putting an end to the pain being repeated down the family line.
After many, many years my father is a new man.
My father, bless his soul, is a man who I now have a great father/daughter relationship with. Although he will always be considered an alcoholic, he has stopped drinking completely and has been sober for many, many years. He loves Jesus and asked for forgiveness for many of his errors.
Before writing my testimony on my blog and sharing it to others, I asked my father for his permission first in writing the facts I recalled about him. I drove the 5 hours to where he lives and we talked for a good while (I emailed him first letting him know the purpose of my visit so he wouldn't be taken off guard). It was a very great conversation (considering what we discussed) and everything went well. I told him the purpose in sharing my testimony is not to hurt him but instead to bring glory to God, knowing that God has restored our family (on his side) and changed my father and even me. My father said 'Yes, that he gives me his permission.' And for the first time ever my father said the words I longed to hear for years 'I'm Sorry.' He said those words 3 times, back to back. However, please realize as you read this, that my father is not the same man he once was. He is changed; no longer drinking, or hurting others around him. He is a blessing to me in my life and I now enjoy having my kids visit and know who their grandfather is. God is amazing. So much of my growing up years were stolen from me by the enemy, but later I was drawn back to Jesus, mainly through my sister. There were little seeds planted in my heart along the years by various other people, but ultimately it was my oldest sister who was patient while I asked a lot of questions about the Bible, God, Jesus, everything....this is when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and meant it in all seriousness. Since then (over 16 yrs. ago), though I have faced many other obstacles along the way, I have never looked back on my decision in following Christ. Jesus is the only answer and I give all glory to Him for everything I have gone through.
In the past I used to compare myself to various people and situations; why do they have their life perfect and successful, when I had to suffer? Why did I live in fear with an alcoholic and abusive father, a gay mom who plays games of love and reject to her kids? Why did I have to grow up with such a broken family when others had it so easy? Why did I get taken in and out of 13 different schools, missing months here and there as my parents fought custody over myself and siblings? Why did my friends have stability, married parents, love, a chance to stay in the same school and then go onto complete college?Was I less of a successful person because I didn't measure up compared to my friends who finished school or became successful in their careers? Was I not as valuable to God? Could God ever use someone like me in His will and work? Acts 10:34 tells us that God is no respecter of persons. That means that anyone – yes, anyone -- can be used by God as long as they yield themselves to His will.
I don't know the answers to this, but I did finally settle in my heart that it's not my fault. God could just have easily done things the other way around. For the one's who think they are 'better' and more successful than others or someone like myself, they don't realize that God could just have easily put their life in my shoes and mine in theirs. Don't they realize this or do they think their success is all on their own? Of course it's not! God only gives us what we can handle, and I believe that I have handled A LOT starting from a very, very little age. Could someone who grew up in comfort and family stability have been as strong as I was? If God says He will not give us more than what we can bare than does this mean other's could not bare what I was forced to?
If this is the case than I am honored and feel, in an odd way, blessed to have suffered for Christ. Because I know that my testimony of the trials I faced and the restoration that Jesus gave me is a bigger testimony than those that have never suffered or who have had it so very easy their whole lives. Naturally I do not desire anyone to suffer, especially children, in the ways that I have, but as an adult today I can say that I am blessed and honored to be used by Him for His glory.
My prayer is that any readers who stumble across my testimony learn about my past and even that I used to be an atheist. Also that someone may stumble across my testimony who was raised by a lesbian mother the way I was. This alone caused a lot of confusion and self doubt in who I was, especially during my teen years. Being raised by a homosexual was by far a very biased way of living; there were multiple complications and suffering my sister and I were forced to face because of this type of upbringing, especially years ago when it was hidden more. Maybe someone will be able to identify with this and by my sharing they will desire to know more about what brought me to Christ.
For a long time while serving the Lord I deeply desired to be married. While working for Bank of America for over 7 years I met a young man named Jesse. Jesse and I became good friends while working for Bank of America and within 3 yrs. we developed a solid friendship. In time we grew closer together and we both realized we shared the same love for Jesus Christ. We spent close to 2 years ministering to a lesbian woman in the drive thru of that bank. Funny how God used my experience of living with a lesbian mother to later be ministering to a lesbian co-worker....God is all knowing isn't He? And He knows exactly what He is doing.God restored everything the enemy stole from me even beyond my many hopes and dreams.
Jesse and I ministered to her for a long while; many, many months; probably over a year. Both of us would bring our Bibles to work answering her many questions. One day she finally got involved in a great church, broke up with her girlfriend, and lived for Jesus. It was awesome to see everything unfold in this precious girl, from beginning to end to once question Christ and then to fully submit to Him, asking Him into her heart to lead her and live in her life forever.
Through this time frame of ministering to this co-worker, Jesse and I bonded even more, however I fought off any feelings for him. See, I am older than Jesse and I didn't like, nor was I used to, dating anyone younger than myself. I had never done so. Jesse would ask me in several casual ways if I wanted to do something with him, and every time I told him 'No, I have plans.' Of course I wasn't being honest, but I just couldn't visualize myself dating someone younger than myself. The problem? We got along great, we both loved Jesus, we both had a silly sense of humor, a friendship of 3 years, and had grown closer every day. We genuinely cared about one another and over time my thoughts about him were hard to ignore.
Finally I prayed to God in my prayer 'Lord, if it is your will and Jesse asks me to do something with him for a third time then I will answer him with a 'yes'.' Which is what happened. And that's where everything fell in line. We later we're married and had two beautiful children. We have faced the typical struggles that most marriages face, (our worse was when our first daughter was born 3 mo. early and weighed a mere 1 pound 9 oz. and 11 inches long - you can read her story by clicking on her infant image in the left sidebar) but God has blessed me by giving me the best family through our marriage. Jesse's parents and siblings are all saved by Jesus and all serve Him. They are a very close-nit family and one I could not have been more blessed with. Jesse's mother is the mother I always longed for and she is so wonderful and such a HUGE gift for someone like myself.
God has given me 100 fold from everything the enemy has stolen. He has blessed me beyond measure, restored and strengthened my walk with Him and other family members. He has helped heal me in areas of my mother and father's rejections while being raised.
I still don't see or speak with my mother to this day and I feel genuinely sorry for the woman. My daughter is 6 now and she has already asked me 'Mom, where is your mommy? Why don't we see her?' My answer has always been the same 'Sweetie, my mommy is sick; she is very sick and I don't know if we'll ever see her.' And this is truly how I view it; that my mother is unstable and mentally ill and that she doesn't want genuine help, but instead enjoys feeling sorry for herself. The biggest concern I have always had over my mother (and still do today) is 1) That she is not saved through Christ Jesus and 2) that she doesn't 'see' nor does she desire to 'see' any responsibility for any wrong doings that she was part of in raising us. Instead she refuses to work through this or even tolerate any of our calm conversations with her hoping for restoration. Instead she's often seeing counselors, then leaving them to see a new counselor, then leaving them to find yet another one....someone who will usually just agree with pain from her past, which only held her to it even more. She has gone to countless numbers of therapists, constantly changing them. The reason? When it came time that the therapist challenged her stories or stopped 'supporting' her self-pity and her sufferings so that they could help her to move forward (that she faced over 2 decades ago yet still relives/rehearses it and doesn't want to get passed it or move forward.), this is when she changes therapist. Bottom line, she doesn't want to move on....
A few times when I spoke to my mother as an adult (for the brief time before she disowned me yet once again for simply not agreeing with something she did), she told me she didn't understand and felt angry that my siblings and I would have and desire a relationship with our father who was once an alcoholic and physically abusive man, yet she didn't comprehend why we'd struggle over a relationship with her. I tried to explain the difference, which she didn't 'get' or didn't want to 'get'. The difference is that my dad recovered fully, truly recovered and put true effort into changing and being back involved in our lives and the lives of our family, whereas she (my mom) still repeated the same patterns of rejecting us and never fully hearing us and taking the responsibility for any wronging she may have done. She seems to think that my fathers physical abuse was the worse thing in all the world and her mental instability didn't compare or had no major impact on us (her children) when it fact her rejections were one of the hardest things I've suffered. Even now I have a great relationship with my father because he admits his faults, apologizes for them, and tries to have a restored family relationship. Yet my mom refuses to accept her own hurts she inflicted on us and instead just blocks us from her life completely. For her this is easier to do than face or deal with us confronting and working through things. This is very unfortunate because she has missed out on so very much. I used to sob over her rejection for years, until finally she 'broke the straw that breaks the camels back'. She did it one to many times that my heart hardened (not in an unhealthy sense) but in a good way so that I learned not to be affected on whether or not she wanted to be in my life. Finally I learned to accept this as her problem, not mine, and stopped hurting over her abandonment, but instead realized it had nothing to do with me. She more than likely rejects us because she too was rejected by her mother and father and puts that same pain (which I've wondered if she enjoys) onto us as well. It's a very unhealthy way to live and I fear as she gets older she will only get worse with her mental instability and self-victimization. Some may disagree with my next sentence but I still haven't decided if when she dies I will attend her funeral services; the repeated rejection she put on me, along with some lies I later discovered she said against me, has become more than I can tolerate. After many years of attempting to repair things between her and I with no such luck, has left me feeling almost nothing for her. Nothing but bad feelings of rejecting me. Funny because she was always the one who taught my sister and I to work our problems out through conversation, yet she herself won't take her own advice.
Unfortunately through the uprearing of my mother and father I have had to battle the fight of many emotional and psychological struggles along the way; learning to pray more and trust God to heal me when I feel hurt or betrayed by another. I have had to learn to slow down and see things through His eyes (which of course I will never be able to do), but I have to give it all to him when I feel hurt, confused, or rejected; something that I struggle with very deeply; something that the enemy is aware of and uses as his strongest weapon when trying to weaken my faith. However I fight through it constantly and so far I fight in not allowing him to win, but instead pray, pray, pray without ceasing, (1 Thessalonians 5:17) asking God to give me the strength and His love to see me through the struggles. Sometimes I fail, especially when I am very hurt or rejected and I disappoint God, myself, and others in how I handle things, but even through this I try to learn from circumstance and eventually try to work things out.
God is awesome. God is always there, unlike my family who was not much of a family to begin with. God has always been there. Jesus has always been there loving me without rejection, but only and always showing me unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness. Praise the Lord for everything He protected me through so that through it all I can minister to others and glorify and praise Him for all He has helped me to overcome.
To any non-Christian reading this, you are welcome to hit me up with whatever questions you desire. Like I said I used to be an atheist so I doubt anything you say won't be something I haven't once said myself. I won't get angry or judge you. I will honor and respect you, even if you have your defenses up. You can leave your remark or ask any questions through my 'Contact Us' tab and I will gladly pray and then reply to you if you desire.
The most influential people that have helped in my daily walk in Christ has been my oldest sister, my brother before he passed, my father (later in life), my husband, his entire family, Rita and Tony S. and people I have listened to on Daystar or TBN Christian networks. Those people are Joyce Meyer, Juanita Bynum (She has multiple sites, but my first love of her sharing the Word of God was when she was VERY first founded and televised years ago, before she was so famous and seemed to change a bit, though I still do like her today.), Beth Moore, Paula White, Creflo Dollar, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Jesse Duplantis, Billy Graham, and the list could go on.....
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long testimony. I apologize in advance for any grammer or typing errors you may find. This was a hard testimony to share and in doing so I often typed too fast just to get it over with. :)
Due to the overwhelming number of response comments I received about my testimony I have decided to remove the comment link option. If you'd like to contact me with a question or if you need help about anything please reach me through my 'contact us' tab at the top of this site. Thank you and God bless.
