February is the month of my older brothers birthday, however we don't share it with him here. Instead he has a continuous party in heaven with Christ daily.
I guess everyone goes through it when you've lost someone....going back in time about fond moments and then repeating the cycle of grieving all over again. Even if the loss of that special someone was years and years ago.
Recently a friend of mine emailed me the unexpected news that her aunt had just died. Her aunt was previously diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. It was one of those sad predictions that the doctor gives when he/she states that the person only has 'this' long to live. And it was true in this case.
As my friend unveiled her sadness I did my best to be a strong support for her. I gave her advice and reminded her of various things that I thought would help ease her pain. But I knew the truth was that she would still have to go through the healthy and normal 'cycle' of grief. Oddly enough, I didn't realize how this conversation was going to affect me until later in the day.
I shouldn't really have been that surprised; I already went through the cycle of grief with the loss of my brother after he was suddenly and unexpectedly killed. John was 28 when he was electrocuted by a power line. It was a family 'shock' (no pun intended) to say the least. We just couldn't believe such a thing happened. I recall the exact day, moment, and events that took place the day of his death and if I were to share those events with you it would surprise you. God 'showed' me John in a paciluar way even before I heard of his passing; (long story), but it was God for sure and I have not doubt He sent an angel that morning in visible form to direct me to see John for one final time, though it wasn't John's human body, but his Spiritual being. So here I was discussing the death of my friends very close aunt with her, not realizing how later that day this conversation would find me reflecting on John and going through my own sorrow and grief once again.
This wasn't the first time I've done this so I was okay with dealing with emotions by going to this place in my heart. It's interesting ya know? During the first few years after John's death my grief started with fond, loving, & playful memories and ended with deep sadness over his loss. Before I knew it I was sobbing like a baby in heavy, heavy tears which stained my face, neck and eye's bright red. However, this experience of repeated grief was different; it went the opposite direction. I begun my feelings with sadness over knowing he is gone and that I won't ever see him again on this earth. However, I have full confidence that I will see him in Heaven waiting for the day I am taken Home to be with Jesus, for John was a firm believer, respector, and devote Christian. So although I began my memories of John in tears, (this time) in a matter of hours they shifted into cherished days we had together and I ended up laughing over some very fond memories. It was amazing and pleasing to me that my heart shifted in this manner. I was able to long for and miss my brother but it was great to close those memories with outbursts of abundant laughter over silly times we had. But man, oh man, I can't wait to reunite with him again when it's time for me to be called home with the Lord. I imagine him and I will praise, glorify, and sing worship songs to Christ together! I love and miss you John!!
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In Him,
Jesse and Sarah