My father and I.

God heals the broken hearted. Psalm 147:3

Several of you have asked so I decided to give an update on my visit with my father. As many of you know, I had typed up my testimony and then had to retract it a week later because I felt the Lord impression on my heart to seek my earthly fathers permission before posting it publicly, which is what I did. I obeyed the Lord and full of anxiety and heaviness building in my heart, my husband and I drove the 5 hours to Dallas to seek his permission in sharing the truth about my upraising. It would be the first time I had ever confronted him; ever, over the sad and horrific alcoholic memories of beatings I had as a child, which were caused by him. Upon arrival my father and I were quick to get this very over-due discussion out on the table and laid to rest. The conversation we shared lasted about 3-4 hours. He asked where I would like to go to talk; was I hungry and wanting to sit at a table somewhere? I told him I wasn't and he admitted he wasn't either. The next suggestion out of his mouth was 'Why don't we go to my church?' Aw, this was the perfect place I thought. How much more perfect could it be to sit in St. Michael's Catholic Church inside the Chapel Room and have my father, myself, and Christ be united in this much needed conversation? My father prayed his typical 'Our Father' prayer, which I joined him in, and then he added his own words towards the end asking God to guide us through our talk. I believe God did.

Fast forward.... I cried as I poured my heart out to my father and the burdens I've carried for years. My father, who I've only seen cry once at my brothers funeral, didn't cry as we conversed but he was very attentive, kind and appeared burdened that I was still affected by my past. He, for the first time ever, said the words I craved to finally hear; 'I'm sorry.' He said this 3 different times and I knew he was sincere. I shared only a few vivid memories I had and didn't feel it was necessary to go into every detail, every memory, and every fear that shaped me into the woman that I am today (along with the partial raising from my mother's side). He knew that after me sharing one vivid memory and a few other various burdens on my heart that this was all that was needed to get my point and pain across. I didn't need to go all the way backwards in time and regurgitate everything. This was all that was needed. From there I asked him some questions on my mind. He pleasantly and surprisingly answered them with sincerity. We shared a few laughs; partially out of nervousness and partially due to feeling uncomfortable, but it was a good little laugh. It was something that broke up the tears. It was then that I asked my dad for permission in sharing my testimony to the church. He asked if I would be posting it on my blog as well to which I answered 'Yes, but I decided not to share graphic details over things I went through or witnessed.' I told him that I was planning on sharing my testimony with the truth as I recalled it; being that my father was a alcoholic and a hot tempered man who acted out in a lot of violence and beatings in our home, BUT GOD, (Which reminded me of Jennifer Lee Dukes recent posting on her blog entitled 'But God'. You should definitely visit her site if you have not already.) forgave my father, forgave myself and has brought restoration to our family. Just because my father and I had this conversation does not mean I am completely healed from my past however it is definitely a beginning. This entire, and rare experience of conversing with the one who inflicted such pain, and the healing which God has paved the way for, I hope will break down some very thick walls I've carried around like a shackle weight around my ankles. As we talked I could already feel chips of the walls around me crumbling to the ground. (Something that reminded me of another story that I read on my friend Billy's blog. Little did he know the perfect timing of this post of his, for me at least anyway.) There is nothing more gratifying than going to the person who hurt you and hearing them tell you 'I'm sorry' (something so simple, yet so hard at the same time) and actually meaning it. My family comes from a mountain of rejections which is something I have always struggled with and have taken very hard. This talk between my father and I has done such repair in me, but again it is just the beginning. I respect my father so much more today than I ever have before.

My past upbringing between my father's alcohol and violent abuse, combined with my mother's psychological mindset, mental instability and freakish paranoia (while raising me under her lesbian lifestyle) formed the perfect formula during my teen and young adult years to become an atheist. For years I felt hatred and mocked God, wondering where He was in the mist of all my isolation and confusion. To me, God did not exist because I did not see Him anywhere. I was angry with Him, even though I didn't believe 'in' Him, my anger was belted out against Him. Since I was was raised by my mom from the age of 10 onward, I shared in all of her liberal influences; pro-choice, pro-ammunition, pro-rights, pro-same sex marriages, 'pro', 'pro', 'pro'.....everything having to do with living how 'self' desired. She taught me to be my 'own god', taking me to palm readers to foresee my future as she tried to find answers to fill the void in her life. She taught me to be my own god; teaching me that nothing or nobody will look out for me more than my own shadow; nobody would have my 'back' but me.

All of these things I will share and store in my 'Personal Testimony' tab which I am currently working on typing up now. I will share how all of this has brought me to surrender myself back to Christ and bare my afflictions and hurts upon Him. I will pull Christ's whereabouts into my story and how He re-entered my life, softly whispering my name in a still small voice and He drew me back to His side. My dear friend Peter offered to help me in finalize my writing so that it turns everything back around to honor and glorify God, knowing that He is the Healer and Restorer of all things. Right now, in the mist of all the rawness I feel over the last couple of weeks, I have put every book down to pick up a book by Joyce Meyer; a book I've carried on my bookshelf but have never completed; 'Beauty For Ashes'. It's a book packed with biblical scripture on emotional healing from the inside out with God being the source who gets us there. Thank you all for your tremendous support and love!