Recently a friend of mine went to a Bible study from a church she was frequenting. Some key personnel visited the study to ask the members asking how likely they would invite another person to their church. They were doing the study because they had noticed a decline in the number of attenders that were coming to the services; some would stay long term (though very few and later would leave) while others visited a few times and never returned.
I wanted input of why you do or do not attend church and what you look for or what you found at your church that drew you and kept you there.
My friend, being a strong follower of Christ, but honest person as well, answered as she sincerely felt.
1) She shared that 'some' (not all) churches seem to be about their identity and clicks. That some hurting people enter the church doors and often get alienated and overlooked, yet the church asks for money for a new building.
2) One of her kids is having serious concerns and when she asks the church for help she can never seem to get any, there is a cost and she is often never given an answer for hope, although she waits for awhile to give them some answers.
3) People attend church functions but don't seem to have time for their children.
4) Some churches seem to boast about their ministry as if it's a competition not about sharing the love of Christ to others.
5) She says she feels guilty about not going to church lately, which she has done all her life, because she feels God does not care (but she says this is not true) but that this steals her hope.
All of this makes her feel guilty for not going to church because Christ died for the church....
However she says there are things she loves as well.
When she emailed me this question I was very curious about your response as well. What holds you to your church if you attend one. If you aren't attending a church, but are looking, what turns you off or turns you on when searching?
Honest answers are appreciated but you don't need to share if you don't feel inclined too. You can just read along; but please no judgement on anothers feelings. I'll share my honesty as well, but will wait a bit to read some of yours.
I am in leadership at my church and we try to focus on a few areas:
ReplyDeleteHaving people in leadership take the attitude of servant leadership. leaders in church are to serve the body and not look to be exalted for their positions.
We try to get people connected into small groups quickly to deepen their connection to a group within the church. We have about 1500 people in the building every Sunday, no one can connect with everyone so we look to share that.
Try to view entering the church from a first time visitor's eyes: are we welcoming, do people feel immediately comfortable. Coming to a new church is intimidating for believers and even more so for those who do not walk with Christ.
I agree Andy. That was going to be one of my answers when I later give my input. Making Connections! I think one of the biggest reasons newcomers come and leave so quickly is because they don't feel connected with anyone right away or even after they've given a fair effort in. That's a HUGE key to fitting in.
ReplyDeleteI remember something a friend of mine from his church told me; something I will never forget that I thought was so cool.
He said that when the Pastor/Priest directs the congregation to turn and greet one another that the rule of thumb is that they are asked (for the first 30 sec.) to not go up to any person you know, but for those 20 or 30 sec. to only approach and greet someone you've never met before. I thought that was so awesome because it 'forces' those visitors to be sought out and greeted, when often times they are accidently overlooked.
I just recently started attending a new church, about 1 1/2 years ago. It was actually a church plant that we were a part of.
ReplyDeleteMy family and I were going to a church that I had grown up in. In that church, it seemed like they had everything right on the outside. They were very family oriented and we always felt very loved by the people. They had many activities for people to get to know each other and at greeting time they almost had to beg people to get back to their seats to continue on with the service.
But all of that still did not seem to satisfy our yearning for a place to know Jesus more. There seemed to be something missing. I would leave church every Sunday thinking that what was spoken today did not give me hope in my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
All of the messages seemed to be directed toward the listener to do better, love God more, be a better mom or dad, do the right thing or stop sinning. It felt more like a motivational event with ideas of how we could all accomplish these things like giving 4 steps to be a better parent, 10 steps to getting your prayer answered, or 5 ways to get sin out of your life.
On the surface, this seems like not a bad idea. But, in reality, all it did was make my focus always be on me. Me trying so hard to do everything right. And brought very little enlightenment to the provision of my Saviour to bring these wonderful things into my life by trusting him. I felt like every message was trying to make me into a Martha and I wanted to be a Mary.
I wanted to know Jesus more. I wanted to go to church and be fed a full meal on the wonderful attributes of Jesus, His love for me and all that His love has done in my life. So i could be encouraged to go home and seek Him more in my daily life, learning to trust Him as I got to know Him more and more. I was longing to hear the Gospel of Jesus not the Gospel of Good Deeds because really I knew that a revelation of the power of the Gospel would bring about the good deeds that it seemed that the minister was trying to motivate us to encounter in our lives by us trying new and different was to make those things happen in our lives.
So about 2 1/2 years ago we left that church and began to set out to find a church that fed us a strict diet of Jesus alone. our pursuit ended in a dead end. we really couldn't find one. everywhere we went was pretty much the same message, "love God and get your life right" very little "God loves you, He has made your life right in Jesus."
So, along with a few friends that were feeling the same way and believing we were being directed by the Lord, we planted a church that we were going to found on the message of the Gospel of Jesus and His power to bring lives to the place of living in the promises of God, not on motivation to accomplish it on their own.
We have a few things we do to bring people together and make them feel like they are entering a family because that is how we want people to feel when theycome, like they have come home. Once a month we eat a meal together after church on Sunday. The church provides the main dish and everyone brings sides to go with it. It is a wonderful time of fellowship and a great tool to use to invite people to church for that day as well. We have a weekly Bible Study that is well attended and after it we offer coffee and snacks to encourage people to hang out and get to know each other more. Once a month, our men and women get together for breakfast and fellowship over the Word, encouraging one another in finding their identity in Jesus, not giving them more things to try to make them better men and women themselves.
It has been 1 1/2 years since we began this adventure and it has been wonderful. The church is growing, people are bringing their family and friends to hear the life-changing power of the Word of God.
I really feel that if at church people heard the hope of the life-changing power of the love of God everytime they attended, you wouldn't be able to keep them from coming.
If I go to church and feel absolutely swallowed by the size of its congregation, I won't go back. I think it's wonderful that churches can grow so large, but it seems you miss so much in way of fellowship.
ReplyDeleteAnd as I have two young kids, I think a really good children's program is so importan, too.
Christy, I think that's great what your church has the once a month meal fellowship. That's awesome.
ReplyDeleteI also see what you mean about some churches feeling like it's more of a motivational speaking meet, rather than Christ led and taught. I've been to those types of churches and although I don't knock them down, I see you're point; that the craving to be fed a full meal of Christ is missing and you often leave feeling like you were just given a 'snack' of the Gospel rather than a full meal. Good point.
I tend to feel the same way Billy; if a church is too large I feel like my family is lost in the mix of things.
ReplyDeleteIf the message and the Word of God is still taught and my kids enjoy their Sunday schooling than we might go back a few more times, but if we (my husband and I) still feel over shadowed after trying to making friendships within the service, we tend to feel the desire to look elsewhere to get the fellowship that him and I crave in order to make a connection with some of the members.
Okay, well for my husband and I, here is what we look for when trying out a new church:
ReplyDelete1) What kind of church are they and what do they believe?
2) Are they preaching from the Word of God, using Scripture while they preach His word. Are they actually holding and reading from the Bible?
3) What are our kids learning? We have 2 small children so we ask Hannah (since she is the oldest and can answer more); What did you learn today? Did you just play or did your teachers sing praise and worship songs with you? Did they teach you anything from the Bible? If so, what? (We want to make sure our kids are being fed as well for their age group and that they are not just going to a 'room' to play.)
4) Does the church offer Study Home Groups? If not do they offer other ways to get bonded and connected with other members of the church? Do members of the church seem just fixated on friends they've known for years and only hang out with them or do they try to extend an arm to newcomers? A genuine arm to befriend and get to know them?
5) What is the overall demeanor? Dresscode? Is is too formal where we feel like an outcast, as if we sense other's are judging us because we don't fit in by what we wear? (By no means are we too casual in our Sunday best, but I'm not always wanting to wear high heels either.) Type of music? Does the music 'move' us, drawing us closer to the presence of worshiping Christ?
6)Is the main Pastor/Preacher available after the service or does he disappear quickly? Does he make himself available for the congregation to talk to him?
Of course we pay attention to other things as well, mainly looking to see if the Pastor is leading from the The Bible and not adding or taking away from it.
But for my husband and I we also really want to feel connected in our church; we want to feel welcomed and befriended. We don't want to feel like the members just stick to their own 'group' that they've befriended for years and that's as far as they go. We want to be engaged in unity with the service by feeling bonded in fellowship and making friends that are similar to us; have kids close in age where we can make friends with them to pray and hold one another accountable if we struggle over something during the week.
For us, if we don't feel that connection to belong, or if there isn't a source of outside Bible groups and fellowships that are more intimate to grow closer to others, than it's hard for us to feel part of the church as a whole.
We can go to a church for years and know they are a good, solid, preaching word of God and Christ, but for us if our fellowship needs aren't met we tend to feel exempt from everything else. Without us feeling bonded and having some connection/Christian friendships within the church we sometimes feel ignored, especially if we've tried to make efforts to befriend others but find they are too bonded/busy in their own 'groups' to include us.
There are a ton of great churches out there that share in our own beliefs in Jesus, but if we visit them often and don't feel welcomed by the other attenders, we tend to keep looking. For us making a connection and feeling like we belong is so crucial in whether or not we decide to stay planted at a church.
Large or small, I'm in a place where a group of people enjoy their God and Father.
ReplyDeleteA good speaker that we can relate to. My husband and I used to attend church for awhile, and it was a large church so we hardly knew anybody there, however it didn't matter much because our priest, Father John, was such a great speaker, we could really relate to him and everything he said.
ReplyDeleteThings were never the same once he was relocated and replaced by someone else. It may have been different had it been a smaller church and we knew other people in the congregation, but it was Father John who kept us coming back and his replacement wasn't nearly as good.
It has been a while since I have been to your blog. Lots of good discussions. I feel the size of the church doesn't matter big or small. I think small churches offer the same thing that large church. Bible lessons fellowship. The important thing is that we attend church so we can receive the lessons and fellowship. Recently our church had a sermon on "Why you are to attend church" www.fbp.org
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is to attend church. If we stop going we loose touch and feel distant and have to start all over again.
ie:school, book clubs diets.
I used to go to a church with my son when he was little. We went 3 times a week and I cleaned every Sat. I always brought food to our 1 night a month get together. After a year of being ignored by the other women, comments made by women who never spent time with me I felt very sad. I stopped going. Sometimes I run into some of the women and they turn their heads like they don't know me. I never did anything to anyone so I don't understand. I also don't understand why they are searching to bring new ones in and ignoring ones that wanted to be there. It's been years now and I'm still very hurt by it.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I hope you come back to read this because I have no way of getting in touch with you.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to tell you that I was in your spot once, and even now I still struggle in this area, which is why I brought up this discussion. I got a lot of obvious answers but not quite everyone shared their desire for things other than the obvious, like making sure it's a church that serves Christ or just making sure you attend a church. That's not what I was hoping to get in answers because we all know this already. I was wanting REALNESS from the heart; besides the church preaching from God's Word, and besides knowing the important of being involved in a chuch WHAT ELSE do you seek in finding a church?
So yes, I do know what you are feeling and feel. In fact I too myself have been searching for a new church for your exact answer; I was feeling always sad that I was overshadowed; overlooked and I ofen took my kids to their Sunday school class yet would go back to the parking lot and cry out of lonliness that I didn't seem to connect with others.
I know your feelings of hurt? Do you still attend that church or have left sense? Please try to pray about it and if needed seek another church OR if needed share your emotions with another. Someone needs to hear you out. Also, do you make an effort to go out of your way to mingle or are you more shy and stand-offish? I, myself go back and forth. But when I'm in a shy mood others often picked up the vibe that I was uninterested in them, so I had to work on this.
Please try to find another church; start over as I start over too in seeking a place to bond with others. We can do this together. Shall we? But don't isolate yourself. It's the worse thing to do. Let's seek out a new chuch together okay? Maybe you can go to my 'Contact Us' page so we can email one another our progress in this. How does this sound?
Anonymous, I also wanted to share 'Thank You' for being real, honest, and vulnerable. I very much value this and am so greatful to see a person unafraid to open up the way you have. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
~Sarah