Stop talking and START listening.

This is what I have felt soaked on me by the Holy Spirit since the evening from last night up until and including now. It's been lingering around my gut, down in my spirit and now pouring out of my mouth. The Holy Spirit has feel upon me and I'm fighting not to just scream these words that rest so strongly on the inside out at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure exactly in which manner the Lord is directing me with this guiding whisper of His, however I have been seeking Him out since 4ish this early morning. When the Holy Spirit is upon me it makes it extremely difficult to sleep or do much of anything else except to just sit with Him, absorbing His presence and worshiping the Greatness that He is.

Truth be told; I feel that His message is aimed directly to me on a personal level. I have a tendency to talk; sometimes too much. And you don't have to have met me or hear my voice to know this. A lot of you probably already realize this by my super long comments on your blogs or emails I've sent to you. I won't lie; even I admit they can be very long-winded.

This is something that I've battled with for quite some time, though not forever. In fact as a young woman I was actually very much the opposite; I was extremely quiet and introverted, shy, and kept mainly to myself. I used to pray asking God to provide me with a new confidence to open up and feel freedom instead of self-consciousness when I shared in group conversations at church, tried to make new friends, or even just braving it to say a simple 'Hello' to the stranger seated next to me during Sunday service. See, when I was a little girl, bigger girl, teenager, and then young lady, I was always very self-conscious to the point of sobbing myself to sleep at night. If you don't know much about the pain of extreme shyness you may not understand the gripping stronghold it has over someone. Let me enlighten you that from how it affected me I began to hate myself with a very deep, deep hate and anger that during one lonely night I had even considered hurting myself, though thankfully I did not. It was something the enemy had a strong-hold over me in and with everything in me I tried to break through it, pray through it, and 'bind' it, but it was a very, very slow process to finally gain 'some ground' with being loosened by this fear of anybody noticing me, which overwhelmed me. Maybe that sentence didn't quite make sense. If not allow me to better explain.

See, the point is that for many, many years growing up I did not ever want anyone to notice me; I just wanted to be left to myself in my own tight group of friends that I knew for years. I didn't invite or encourage change because I didn't do well with it; it was a threat to my comfort zone. Any outsider that tried to befriend my small group of friends and I was greeted with an unwelcome gaze from me as I tried to make it obvious they simply....well.....were not welcome. With some 'intruders' my silence in the group was very clear and assumed by them that I didn't care to participate with that newcomer, but what they didn't realize was that this was just who I was; nothing personal. However, admittedly, when it came to any outsiders entering 'my arena' this familiar quiet side of me that was well known to others made it easy for me to use this as a weapon against that unfamiliar guest. I tried my best to repel the intruder and it wasn't always terribly hard. So easy in fact that it was my own private, little secret. I used what I hated most about myself to my advantage from time to time and I didn't even have to make my own excuses for it because my own friends did for me. It was easy to pawn off when confronted by a friend by a simple reply of manipulation 'How can you think I'm trying to be rude to her/him? You know I've always been quiet!' Therefore others would also state this about my expressed disapproval of that individual by making excuses for me like 'That's just how Sarah is; she's just quiet until you get to know her a bit. No, I don't think she's trying to exclude you so try not to take it personally; she's just shy.' But truth be told I was trying to exclude and shut that person out 100%! What I didn't know at the time was that I myself was about to be invaded by a very different kind of Intruder; the One that would begin the freedom process of the chains that bound for so, so long. I was about to be re-introduced to Jesus Christ for the first time. (I say re-introduced to define that I had already known of Jesus, God, the Word, but didn't know Jesus, God, the Word; personally. There's a very big difference.) Well for now I've gotta get the kids ready to take the their Dental Appt. To be continued.....