Confessions from a supposedly 'got it together' wife and mother.

Yes, I have a problem; one that is big that I can't seem to pull the reigns in on. Some may think it's not a problem in the least but in all seriousness it really is; for me at least anyhow.

My problem? I can never seem to sleep! Except when I finally do become over exhausted, usually around 3-4Am and then I can't seem to muster up the energy to wake up! Doesn't make much sense hearing it like that; I mean I can't seem to sleep but when I do I can't seem to wake up.

This has been going on for probably most of my life, eve as a pre-teen I would stay up for hours on the telephone with friends and during sleep overs I was always the last one to fall asleep, leaving me alone and afraid as a young girl.

As far back as I can recall I know my own mother used to give my sister and I some small amounts of Adult NyQuil (at least that's what we thought it was) and some other OTC med because she wanted us to fall asleep faster so she could have time to herself. I don't recall how long this went on but I know it was for a good while at least.

When I first began to live on my own I noticed I wasn't able to fall asleep naturally and would begin using OTC med like NyQuil, Unisome Sleep Gels, an occasionally drink of alcohol (which I don't like to drink but I've used it solely to get some sleep), prescribed Ambien, prescribed Soma-which is a common muscle relaxer but has a street name of 'coma Soma' because if taken too much of it this drug will seriously put you to sleep for 24 hours straight almost (some have even died from overdoses of this med.), prescribed Trazodone, and other medications which I can't seem to think of the names right now. My worse experience with any of these medications was the Soma. I did not know at the time that it had been known to be an addictive medication but for me that's what it became. It worked every time to get me into a nice, deep slumber especially on the nights when my husband wasn't home and I was afraid to sleep alone in the house. The problem was that it was sooo very strong that waking up in the morning are nearly impossible, the drug has to wear off you can't just 'shake' it off.

I've stopped taking the prescribed medications but I still tend to take about 4-5 Tylenol PM's every night just to get my body to rest and sleep and even then sometimes this doesn't work. My personal opinion is that my body has been on so many sleep aids every since my childhood, that it simply doesn't respond to them any longer for the most part. I'm not sure exactly, this is just a guess. I just know that not getting to sleep at a decent hour is NOT healthy or wise, especially when you're a mother and wife with a lot of responsibilities.

I have talked about this with my doctor who ran blood work and other kinds of tests, then put me on a depression medication which made me feel almost (but not quite) suicidal so I immediately flushed the entire bottle down the toilet. Since then I've been seeing a psychiatrist, which I've never in my life seen before (I've only seen counselors/therapists for the way I was raised by my parents; it's on my testimony tab.) Well this woman has me now on 5 different medications, 2 'uppers' for the day, and 2 'downers' for bedtime. One of the 'downers' is Trazodone, which literally knocks me off my feet because it's more of a sedative than just as sleep aid. I would even go so far to say it acts as a tranquilizer (though I've never had one, I've just seen them used on animals and people) because it nearly makes me want to literally fall to the ground after having taken it after just about 15 or 20 minutes and if I haven't hit the ground I wobble horribly, knocking and running into furniture and other things, and know I need to get to the bed fast or I'll be knocked out on my butt cold in the middle of the floor.

The thing is that when I've seen this psychiatrist woman I have suspicions that she is abusing some type of medications since she certainly has easy access to them. She has been late to appointments on two separate time by at least 45 minutes and comes in appearing sluggish and drunk like. I have another appointment to see my regular doctor next week to discuss everything with her but I'm horribly afraid she'll put me on something like last time when she gave the drug that made me feel suicidal, which was years ago. I'm also afraid because I don't like feeling like a experimental drug rat, taking this, that, and every other pill to see how I'll react to it. Yet I know this is part of the mystery with such things as depression, insomnia, loss of energy or lack of interest in things, etc. that what works for one patient won't always work for another, which is why the doctors and psychiatrists prescribe many various and multiple drugs hoping it will work, but for me thus far it has not.

My biggest issue now is that I feel upset with God. My God is a BIG GOD and I know He is the Ultimate Healer but I don't understand when I've called out to him numerous times why He does not give me the answers for what I need to cure my insomnia/other symptoms. Or maybe He is but I'm not clearly hearing Him.

And now here it is 3:36AM and I'm still typing away because I can't sleep. I've already taken 4 Tylenol PM's tonight and really don't want to take another because it's simply not good for my liver, which already has high levels of liver enzymes to begin with. I don't know what my problem is as to why I can never sleep even after taking so many medication, both prescribed and OTC. I used to believe it was because it was the quiet time of the day when the house was settled and the family was in bed so I can do whatever it is I needed or wanted to get done, but I know this must not be the case. Sometimes I wonder if it's my mind; that it simply will not shut off and just over thinks about everything to the point it won't allow me to rest!

What started me to confess this publicly? Two things. 1) I God-incidentally came across a website today titled 'Confessions of a sleeping-pill Junkie' and 2) I know that one of the biggest ways to begin helping one self is to come clean and admit your short comings, whether big or small. Just admitting and owning up to them holds me accountable to myself and many other friends, including and most importantly God, who I've already cried out to regarding all of this many of times. I know He hears me and I trust that He will help me as I still try to work through this. But who would ever have thought someone could have a problem with falling asleep and trying all different kinds of means just to get that? I certainly did not; that is until recently. And when I researched it online there are a ton more of other folks who share in this same unhealthy sleep (or lack of) pattern.

So, that is my confession; I can't sleep of all things, but it's not healthy and I know this first hand because even if I don't take anything to help me sleep, if I don't get any sleep than how am I going to take care of my kids the following day?

So I have a new confession page on my site now. Just click on the 'Confession' Image on the sidebar (It's the image of a coffee cup), and share whatever confession you've been holding onto but haven't known how to share yet. There will not be any judgement against you, just like I know my dear friend who read this will not hold judgement against me. We all have our shortcomings and what's great about them is that we can learn from these and change our ways to be a better person. I'm going to copy and paste this posting confession over to that page as well to help get the ball rolling and you can leave your comments there if you'd like...or not.

Thank you all for listening to me without criticism. It is now 5:47 AM and I am going to try to get at least 3 hours of sleep in hopes the kids won't wake until a little after 9AM this morning.

God Bless and good night!