I'm not the mother that I had always hoped I would be...

When I was a little girl it was always a vision of mine, put there by God, to be a mom; that's it, that's all I've always wanted to be, except for a short season when I desperately wanted to be an actress from watching that series 'Fame' every week. And then of course there was the show 'CHiPs' and I thought I was instantly 'in love' with Larry Wilcox, Eric Estrada's partner. Okay so I know this really ages me by bringing up a show from the 1970's but so be it...lol....the point of this post is to vent out my own frustrations on everything I wish I was but am not. I know it seems like such a 'downer' to read on such negativity but trust me the end will bring the glory to where it's supposed to be....


As many of my friends know by reading my testimony and how I was raised it wasn't a very pretty picture but even through the very rough times I still recall always playing with my dolls, especially my famous Baby Alive, and couldn't WAIT for the day I became a real mom in true life. As a young child I was seeing through rose colored glasses imagining that being a mom would be the most perfect job in all the world to have; I would love my kids to the deepest parts of my heart and would cuddle with them constantly, play with the daily, would never raise my voice at them or make them do homework if they didn't feel up to it. I envisioned the role of being 'mom' would be the best thing ever and could not imagine anything better than doing this....that is until I grew up a little more and my sister had her two kids. I instantly fell in love with both of them as they were perfect in my eyes and so super precious. She was the first of me and 3 older siblings to have kids so it was a lovely welcoming addition to the family when she did. She was a good mom and loved her little boys tenderly but as a new mom she had the typical challenges that all moms face but they were tripled since she was just a teenager. When her first son was an infant/baby things went fairly smoothly but as he turned into a toddler things became more complicated, as we all know that those years are very 'trying' in themselves, even for my own mother who helped my sister by trying to offer advice and support.

I witnessed my sister do a lot of very 'right', loving, nurturing and 'motherly' things but I also watched her struggle quite a bit as well, but I will give it to her that she did try as best as she knew how at her age and with our upbringing.

I think it was during those years of trial and error with raising her two sons that I began to question my own mothering career, even though it was far into the future. A couple of years later my very best friend at the time, also as a teenager, gave birth to her beautiful daughter who I ended up helping her raise from her baby/toddler years up until she was 13 years old. Now her daughter is a thriving 19 yr. old serving in the Army and I couldn't be more proud of her strength and confidence to tackle on such a demanding and critical a job such as this. Even while helping my friend to raise her was not how I ever imagined things would be, so why is it that I somehow got this 'fairy tale' type of mothering role play into my head to begin with??

I've been pondering this a lot lately because I know one thing is for sure and this is that I did not get this 'fairy tale' image from my own family morals, values, and practices so I can only assume that this might be the rare time I actually credit the television for doing something super good; engraving my thought process to understand and hope that being a mother was so very, very grand. But the true facts are that although being a mother is extremely grand, amazing, rewarding, educational, filled with intense love and protection, and all the other yummy stuff that goes with it, being a mom is also over-glamorized, exhausting, over worked, and under paid. I know many of moms, including myself that survive off of less than 5-6 hours of sleep most nights, are getting pooped on, peed on, thrown up on, slipping on toys in nearly every room in the home, trying to keep every square foot of the home cleaned and sanitized, works like a maid to do the dishes that pile up at least 3 times a day, stay on top of the laundry piles that magically grow on their own, attempt to make at least 3 decent meals in a 24 hour day, run errands like going to the grocery store, picking up odds and ends here and there, help their kids with homework assignments, (and throw in the mix one of her kids suddenly get ill),  put effort into making sure her husband has his work or church clothes pressed, getting their own children dressed....and in the mist of all of these things (and tons more that I've failed to mention) a mother still desires to do the most important role modeling of spending quality time with her kids by holding them, playing with them, reading to them, nurturing them when needed, and most importantly in my eyes being an example of a Proverbs woman; a mom who fears the Lord and works diligently at trying to obey and please God.

On that note I am not that mom, though I wish I were. Some days I fail; sometimes I leave the house wondering if I even brushed my teeth! Other times I don't spend the kind of quality time with my two kids like I should and I feel every so guilty about this. And even worse when my young ones want to watch SpongeBob, I cuddle  up right there with them and watch it too.  LOL!  I hardly cook the way I wish I could as I am horrible in the kitchen. When it comes to picking up my Kindergartner I dread it because coming home with the homework that my daughter has is more than a migraine since it takes a super long time for her to do even a coloring page. I, shamefully, am not as nurturing as a mother that I wish I was. Now sharing this isn't to say that I think I'm a bad mom because I don't believe I am; just rather that I'd like to be a much better mom than I currently am.  Some of this I know the answers to why I'm not, such as the huge factor of not having a very stable mother myself trying to raise me, but other things I'm not so sure of.

There are many things that I don't know the 'why's' about when mothering my two kids, but for the record I do love both my daughter and son immensely and would do anything for them.  Though I've learned this scripture below many of times, TODAY is the day I am going to take it more serious on being the kind of mother and wife I long and hope for, for the sake of my family.  To God be ALL the glory!

"She girds herself with strength, and strengthens herself daily. She perceives that her provision for her family is good: she does not retire early but works diligently to see to the needs of her husband and children, she is not an idle woman." Proverbs 31:17, 18, 27

I also found this site 'For The Love Of Children' which I'll be working my way through as well as printing out.  It gives a ton, and when I say ton I mean TON, of scriptures on being a better mom to your kids when you feel at your wits end.

Is all of this good to admit publicly?  Yes.  Will it make me a better mother?  I think  so.  Does it cost a dollar to admit when we recognize we need a change in our lives? It might.  Having my kids look back and say 'My mom was great and there for me so, so much when I needed her.'   Priceless!

*Note: None of this is to say that a husband doesn't have his role as father cut out for him as well as I know many dads who have to juggle quite a plateful too so I give them tons of credit for this!