The fire is sometimes just TOO hot to withstand, but withstand I WILL!!

At first I had NO idea what it was; no idea what I was feelings or why.  I am a saved through the Blood of The Lamb and had no idea something so dark and deep rooted could have hit me out of left field.  It wasn't until after reading a dear friends of mine blog, Christian Depression Help by Peter Stone, sharing of his own journey of depression in hopes to help others that I began to recognize the signs. 

So for any of my family and friends who I've met through 'blog-land' please allow me to apologize for not keeping up to date on my blog posts.  I literally had a hard time just stumbling out of bed, but I knew I had to; my driving force was my two kids ages 4 and 6.  Even if all I did was the absolute minimal by bathing them, making sure they brushed their teeth, were feed nutritious meals and were kept safe, even if that meant the television (I am still a definite monitoring mother of what they view on TV still) than that's what I had to do.  It wasn't until a few months back, and I can't really remember what exactly it was this moment, but when I do I'll share, that I realized that I needed 'real help', outside help because the Enemy was messin' with my mind at such a hard way that I alone couldn't fight it.  During these times Satan has put images and imaginations in my head telling me that I wasn't saved by His Blood, that I was nothing, no good, a bad mother, wife, person, Christian.  Two weekends in a row, for the first time ever in my life I was actually frightened to be at home by myself with my two kids.  No, not that I felt suicidal or that I would hurt my children but more like I felt I might have a nervous breakdown and begin breaking every material item in our nice, content home; the dishes, punch the TV screen, throw our laptop, bust my Nikon....there was no telling what I was actually afraid of I just knew I didn't want to be alone on those days and I couldn't figure out why.  All I knew is that I was afraid. 

The funny thing is that I have absolutely no 'real' reason for my deep, dark, depression, which in a way is the reason I finally learned that what I was dealing with was and is indeed depression.  I have a content home; I have never been one of those wives that feel the need to have a two story, granit kitchen counter tops, game room upstairs, and all those extra's.  I am very content in our 1414 SQ FT. home and we have everything we need.  I have a wonderful husband, and I want to stress WONDERFUL, two great kids; a daughter and son, a very sweet loving German Shepherd (still puppy, but turning 'tween', hope the attitudes don't come with that...LOL), and I am one of the lucky mothers whose dreams of being able to be a SAHM eventually came true when income earning became better for my husband.  The unfortunate things is that my depression all became a reality when I was finally a Stay at Home Mother.  I always knew I wanted to raise my own kids in our faith to believe in Jesus Christ without confusion from other caregivers watching them up to 10 hours each day/5 days a week.  Plus it simply broke my heart to drop my two toddler age babies off at a daycare as they watched me leave from their classroom window sobbing out to me!  It broke my heart. 

So anywho, this is where I am at today.  I am sorry for not posting to my blog like I once did, but I appreciate any prayers that any of you might offer; not just for me, but for my entire family as they are struggling with my involunteery severe depression.  I  don't know if any of you have suffered through a dark depression but it's a 'well' that I long desperately to climb out of, and not a 'wishing well', except for the wishing prayer that my God helps heal my mind and free's me from this illness.  I am seeing a Christian Therapist once a week and their services also offer every Thursday night a 'Depression/Bi-Polar Group' for free if I'd like to attend but I'm not quite ready for a social gathering just yet, but am gradually considering 'testing' the waters in this group. 

Lotsaluv to you all dear friends!!

"... when He Has Tried me, I shall come forth as gold!" (Job 23:10)  and I will see His reflection in the precious metal and less of myself.